So much has happened that it is hard to sum up. It is hard to believe that it was three weeks ago that we welcomed our second daughter into our family. That day was monumental in our lives. I hope to summarize a bit about our journey that God led us through that day. My prayer is that you would be encouraged that despite things being beyond your control, that God is there.
"My contractions are about 5 minutes apart honey." It was 3:30 am on Tuesday and a day past our due date. I had only been asleep for a few hours, we knew that our daughter would be coming soon. "Did you call the birth center?" I asked. "Not yet, do you think I should, they aren't as strong yet?" , Brooks answered. Little did we know that we would be welcoming our daughter an hour later. We called and said we think we should come in, we arrived at the birth center at 4am, and Vivian was born at 4:53am.
It all happened so fast, the whole day is a blur but especially those initial hours. Viv's birth was going smoothly, and then we had our first complication. Her shoulders were stuck. This happened with our first daughter, but thought it was how she was turned. Viv was bigger however. So after some pretty traumatic maneuvering she was out. And it was silent.....
You always see the movies where the baby comes out and cries......
Nothing prepares you for silence.
Where you feel like in that silence, life is hanging in the balance. Our first daughter was quiet for awhile. Vivian was quiet for longer. You see the nurses rubbing her and trying to get her to breathe.....the only word that comes out is, "Please". Seconds feel like eternity, an eternity filled with questions. Will she be OK? God what is going on? Why? and it continued.
Finally, she took a breathe, and we heard that beautiful cry. I will always remember hearing my girls cry for the first time. I am so thankful for that sound, because I realize the gift that it is. A gift that we waited so long to hear during our journey of having children, and that some of our friends are still waiting to hear.
She seemed to want to make up for being quiet and was really active and hungry! She ate twice within the first two hours and we didn't realize that it would be God's provision. We didn't know that over the next few hours, that would sustain her as God sustained us through the dark road ahead.
Around 8am, Brooks started to "feel pressure". They would check and everything would seem ok. We were all encouraged, sending out pictures to family and friends and announcing the joyful news. The pressure kept building. What we didn't know is that during Viv's birth, Brooks had sustained a substantial laceration internally that connected to a blood vessel and was not revealing itself in anyway externally. The pressure was like when you bend a water hose and it is building. She was starting to act different.
She had to go to the bathroom, and that is when we knew that something else was going on.
She felt light headed and like she was about to pass out. She had to lay down in the floor. The concern kept building and the nurse assured us that this sometimes happens. We started to notice the side glances and whispers that alluded to a deeper concern.
Brooks was able to get back in bed and things seem to subside. We talked about how she was feeling and the excitement of getting to see family soon.
Then the pressure released. Brooks started to hemorrhage badly, it was clear something was wrong but we didn't know what.
She looked at me and said "Honey, I'm scared". The sense of helplessness that I felt cannot be described. It is the desire of every husband to protect and provide for his wife, yet I was helpless. I couldn't make it stop. I told her it will be ok, all spoken in faith. The medical team was swarming around and they told us that we needed to be transferred.....that Brooks needed to be transferred.
Vivian wasn't cleared to leave yet and Brooks had to go to a different hospital. I had to stay with Viv, while Brooks went via an ambulance.
It was now around 9:30 and Brooks was still bleeding. The ambulance was on it's way. While the medical team swarmed around her, I was in the corner, holding Vivian. We chose Vivian's name because it means life, and after our journey to have children, that is what she represented to us. Yet, I had to watch as my wife's life was slowly leaving her.
"I don't want to loose her, God". That is what I kept thinking and praying. I pictured birthday parties and life without her and it had a hole in it. I don't know how I can do this.... please God....please.
Brooks looked at me from the bed and straight in the eye and said "Honey it will be ok".
I think i married a Navy SEAL.
Even in her state, Brooks' thoughts were of me and the girls. That we would be ok and taken care of.
The ambulance had arrived and they were in an out and she was gone.
I was there holding Vivian....in silence once again, with life hanging in the balance.
My sister was on her way to help, we were told that we could leave in 40min to go to the hospital.
I didn't get to see Brooks again until 3:30pm that day. I have never been more happy in my life, except maybe when she came down the aisle on our wedding day.
During that time, I wrestled with faith and questions. Not my faith in God, or His provision and protection. But I wrestled with grace. We see and hear the dramatic stories of people falling to their knees and crying out over and over. I wasn't doing that.....am I a bad Christian? Is something wrong.
It was during this time that Jesus liberated me from self inflicted evaluation. He asked " Britton are you an external person or an internal?" I am very much internal. "Do you love Brooks?" Yes, with all of my heart. "Do you trust me?" Yes, even if I don't understand what is happening. I really did, I told Brooks that all that day, even in the despair, there was always, just out of the corner of view, the light of hope that pierced the darkness. Faith takes many forms. For some it is an external display, hands raised or worn out knees, for others it is internal, sitting in silence or watching the clouds, and one is not better than the other. When Jesus went through his most trying times before his death, he had moments of quiet. Yet he had faith for God to provide and was willing to accept whatever it was.
Brooks was able to be reunited with Vivian around 4pm. We then started to figure out what all had happened and what that meant for us now. We found out that we were going to be there a night at least to check if she was stable and so they could do some more test. At this point we didn't have all the numbers so they didn't know how much of a transfusion was needed.
That night Brooks mom stayed with her and Viv (who picked right back up feeding), and I went home to sleep. When I came back in the morning it was clear that Brooks needed a transfusion. She ended up getting 3 units of blood over the next few days. With each unit we saw an increase in her regaining color and normal interaction, the sluggishness was wearing off.
The doctor was delayed in coming in that morning and sent a colleague in to check on Brooks. She came in and was acting kind of strange. Turns out, she thought she was in the wrong room. When they checked Brooks, she looked normal, nothing out of the ordinary. She had heard about what all had happened and it didn't make sense. This has happened at about every doctor visit. They are amazed at her body healing. We know that this is because of God's intervention and healing. Brooks is still really weak, but her body is healing, what is also amazing is that her body isn't just taking care of Brooks, it is also taking care of Vivian. They were concerned that things may be difficult given the situation, but Vivian is actually currently ahead of the curve.
We were discharged a few days later. Our nurse, Kim, was incredible and amazed as well. She was a believer and got a little teary a few times as we talked about God and what all He was doing.
We have been back to the doctor since and Brooks is still doing amazingly well. Her strength is still really low as her body is still making up for the blood loss. It will still be a longer recovery, but God is providing in each step.
There were/are so many people praying for us, and we could tell. In the peace and provision, in the hugs and messages, God constantly reminded us that He was there and at work.
If you were to ask me how I feel about this whole thing, I would say "taken care of" That God was with us every step of the way, whether it was crying in the corner holding my newborn daughter, or riding in the ambulance....
He was there.
Even in the silence.
No comments:
Post a Comment